Saturday, December 09, 2006

Cyber Stalking and the Abusive Personality


The Internet provides the perfect forum for cyberbullies, individuals whose aim is to gain gratification from the distress caused by provoking and tormenting others. The anonymity, ease of provocation, and almost infinite source of targets means the Internet is full of predators from pedophiles targeting children to serial bullies targeting ... anybody.

Many serial bullies are also serial attention-seekers. More than anything else they want attention. It doesn't matter what type of attention they get, positive or negative, as long as they can provoke someone into paying them attention. It's like a 2-year-old child throwing a tantrum to get attention from a parent. The best way to treat bullies is to refuse to respond and to refuse to engage them - which they really hate. In other words, do not reply to their postings, and on forums carry on posting without reference to their postings as if they didn't exist. In other words, treat nobodies as nobodies.

The objectives of bullies are Power, Control, Domination, Subjugation. They get a kick out of seeing you react. It doesn't matter how you react, the fact they've successful provoked a reaction is, to the bully, a sign that their attempt at control have been successful. After that, it's a question of wearing you down. The more your try to explain, negotiate, conciliate, etc the more gratification they obtain from your increasingly desperate attempts to communicate with them. Understand that it is not possible to communicate in a mature adult manner with a disordered individual who's emotionally retarded.

The anger of a serial bully is especially apparent when they come across someone who can see through them to the weak, inadequate, immature, dysfunctional aggressive individual behind the mask.

The first rule for dealing with this type of behavior is: don't respond, don't interact and don't engage. This is not as easy to do as it sounds. It's a natural response to want to defend yourself, and to put the person right. However, never argue with a serial bully; it's not a mature adult discussion, but like dealing with a child or immature teenager; whilst the serial bully may be an adult on the outside, on the inside they are like a child who's never grown up - and probably never will. Serial bullies and harassers often have disordered thinking patterns and do not share the same thoughts or values as you.

Second, keep all abusive emails. Create a new folder, perhaps called "Abuse", and move hate mail and flame mail into this folder. You don't have to read it. When the time comes to take action, this folder of hate mail and flame mail is your evidence. Bullies, especially cyberbullies, are obsessive people and if their account is closed down you may start receiving mail from another address. This can later be compared to the abusive emails you've already received to identify the perpetrator. You'll find the same words, phrases and strategies occurring. If you receive abusive emails or flame mails or hate mail, you can forward it to abuse@isp where "isp" is the service provider the abuser is using, eg "" or "". Although Internet service providers may not act on every complaint, the more complaints they receive about a particular individual (with examples of abusive email) the more likely they are to close down the person's account.

Third, become alert to provocation. It could be called "The Baiting Game". A provocative comment is made and those who respond spontaneously in irritation are then targeted for further "attention".

Fourth, become an observer. Although you may be the target of the cyberbully's anger, you can train yourself to act as an observer. This takes you out of the firing line and enables you to study the perpetrator and collect evidence. When people use bullying behaviors they project their own weaknesses, failings and shortcomings on to others. In other words, they are telling you about themselves by fabricating an accusation based on something they themselves have done wrong. Whenever you receive a flame mail or hate mail, train yourself to instinctively ask the question, "What is this person revealing about themselves this time?"

Fifth, decide if you want to take action, and if so, prepare carefully and strike hard. Sometimes refusing to respond and engage will result in the cyberbully losing interest and going off to find someone easier to torment. Sometimes though, especially if there has been interaction in the past, the cyberbully is so obsessed that s/he cannot and will not let go. You will have to make that person let go, but only through swift, hard, legal action, and only when the time is right. Don't deal with the abuser yourself (this encourages bullies and stalkers), use a third party such as a Lawyer.

Internet stalker profile:

lives in a 1-room apartment which hasn't been cleaned for months - if ever

has stacks of pornographic magazines in his bedroom area

has poor personal hygiene

has poor table manners

has poor social etiquette

hasn't changed the sheets on his bed for months, which are now best described as crusty

has a bathroom, the state of which doesn't bear thinking about

lives on pizza and beer/coke, the remnants of which litter his apartment

may have an unusual pet (eg ferret) which has free run of the apartment

is either significantly over- or under-weight

has a small moustache or other facial hair

has not held down any job for more than a couple of years, probably less

has no friends

has no life outside the Internet

The Internet stalker probably has other unpleasant characteristics that sexual harassers possess, and the usual sexual inadequacy including lack of intimacy, controlling behavior, no concept of the partner's needs, premature ejaculation, and an abnormal belief bordering on obsession in his smallness.


Barry G. said...

Often is a professor at Kent State University

nanc said...

a most excellent post, warren - this could not be more true.

i wonder how often anyone in our blogger community go to leftwing sites and make such fools out of themselves - let me think about that for a moment...ah, NONE!

if we do go to those sites - it's to gain insight and understanding into what makes that sort of mind work although it appears to be dead.

you have done your homework here.

Elmer's Brother said...

wow you found out a lot about john stain...that's impressive

nanc said...

elbro? i'm thinking warren left out the part that said, "dedicated to poopstains the world over"...for a reason, of course.

The Merry Widow said...

Warren- Outstanding, sir! Nails it dead center, and yes, we could all supply names!
Barry- LOL!
EB-He fits a certain profile, the minute details don't matter, the internet has allowed these "types" a world wide forum to display their garbage, it's almost like a toddler first being potty trainned, some have a fit if you flush, they are compulsive about what comes out of them, it must still be a part of them. And that is the way they feel about their spewings!
Good morning, G*D bless and Maranatha!


Anonymous said...

Cyber-bullies? I think that gives them too much credit. They're simply reptiles so repulsive in character and thought that they have to FORCE themselves upon their betters in order to achieve any human contact at all...

Tarquin Churchwell said...

I am a victim right now of a group of stalkers. What is your advice?

Warren said...

Tarquin Churchwell said...

"I am a victim right now of a group of stalkers. What is your advice?"

Mr Churchwell, our situations aren't analogous. Where you seem to have several stalkers focused on you, we have only one focused on our online community.

Moderate your comments.

Don't feed the trolls.

The advise given in the above post is as good as any.

Sorry I couldn't be much help.

Anonymous said...

They are terrorists. Logic doesn't apply.

Anonymous said...

...the only thing they respect is pain, and your pain gives them pleasure.

nanc said...

don't these types usually smack their spouses and children around also?

Brooke said...

Heeeey... What's wrong with a pet ferret? (Mine doesn't have free roam, though.)


Anonymous said...

I doubt they have the social skill to acquire either...

The Merry Widow said...

Nanc- they rarely have a significant other because they are so bloody self-centered! Convinced that they are the most intelligent creatures in the universe, and can't stand the thought of anyone outsmarting them. So they keep coming back to prove their superiority, until normal people, fold, ban or otherwise express their contempt and tiredness, then they prance off smug in the knowledge that they were either "martyred" or "triumphant".
They tend to herd together because they recognize the "mental" and "spiritual" stench!


tazzmax said...

Warren, that was a great post and so true.

You're right of course,... don't feed their egos by responding, but sometimes I find it hard to resist.

I do think it's good to respond sometimes by not directly addressing them, but going over their heads.

kuhnkat said...

Ahhhh Hemmm!!!

WARREN, why have you been snooping in my apartment??????????????


The Merry Widow said...

KuhnKat- Eeeeewwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!
I thought better of you!
Good morning, G*D bless and Maranatha!


bensilly said...

good post, here`s a couple "profiles" you missed:


D.Daddio Al-Ozarka said...

"They tend to herd together because they recognize the "mental" and "spiritual" stench!"

I call them "circle-jerks".

Sometimes, verbal brutality is an effective tool when dealing with them.

JINGOIST said...

Warren I can only guess at what prompted this post, but the last part was hilarious!


cube said...

Nasty sickos!

Russet Shadows said...

I'm not so sure that they cluster together. They may have groupies, but such people form temporary alliances at best -- their real love is themslves and themselves only. I have often wondered how these people make money. Maybe they save by typing out this assinine prattle at public libraries. Lastly, I agree that they would not be married, but they might have a girlfriend or a boyfriend; there are people even more deluded than the stalker, and they look up to somebody, right?

Bensilly said...

"Often is a teacher who is in charge of little johnny too(see above)

VerityINK said...

An absolutely excellent post! (And very accurate--Socrates was my cyberstalker and he is a mess--weighs 350 pounds!)

Yes, you painted a very good picture of behavior modification. Ignoring is the ONLY thing that will extinguish a behavior. Thus, a cyberstalker should not have any reference by ANYONE made to them, if you want them to disappear. Any attention WILL fuel their sickness and they'll just keep it up.

At FPM, 2 people WOULD NOT leave Socrates alone, so a boycott was never effective. ALL have to be on board. I guess they just couldn't help themselves--and he knew who to target. Cyberstalkers always do.

Forty_Two said...

Can you supply some examples of the comments left by cyber bullies?

Warren said...

Fourty Two,
Can you tell me to what end do you wish this information?

Anonymous said...

Very good post! We have quite a few of these bullies on sites like CTV and Cape Cod Today. Some are the one's who run the sites. Thanks for pointing out the cyber-bullies. They do exist and harass the unsuspecting blogger and poster. I wish there was a way to get the message out to all sites before they start to post.

Warren said...

Thank you for stopping by.

I assume you saw my comment on Cape Cod Today and decided to check my blog.

Several in our community had trouble with one of two cyber bullies.

These weren't your typical trolls. In a way, this blog is a in-your-face affront to one of those bullies.

Anonymous said...

They can come in very large groups as they find their own kinds with the same bad traits as themselves, then they all use a news board as their playground. One is usually the leader, called the puppet master who also invents many alia's and works those puppets as set characters with false lives they invent up. Not easy to ignore them, when you believe your speaking to another person, but it's only an invention of the troll. It's also hard if there is a corrupt moderator who is part of their deceitful selves. So it ends up that it's the victim who get's banned while the cyberstalkers and trolls flourish and take over.

Warren said...

Anon, then its time to move on. Start your own blog or forum and invite your friends.