O.C.D. (obsessive/compulsive disorder)

I think I have it, do you? Although I’m not too fond of the disorder part…

Statistics heard are approximately 85% of the population has it. They’re wrong, as usual.

I refuse on a daily basis to go to the doctor to find out. How many others do not want confirmation of this and fight the urge to see someone about it? Why, there must be enough to drive that number up to 99% because, hey, 100% would be perfect and we all know…hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! You moron!!!

The most common form I’ve seen is the hand washing disorder. Our son had it from a very early age and after a few years of sky high water bills I politely told him, “Oedipus, you must stop this nonsense before your hands crack off from the dryness you’re creating from too much water!” He responded, “Really mama?” “Really son.” And he quit! Just like that! Okay, so I didn’t call him Oedipus - his father did.

The nurturing side of me feeling sorry for him started buying him the germex-type waterless, anti-bacterial hand cleaners as a consolation. After a couple of years of that I had to look at myself and say, “Your majesty, who is the ruler here?” So I stopped buying it and VOILA! He quit.

My immediate thoughts were, “hmmmmmmm, who is developing these o.c.d. patterns here?” That rotten kid is trying to control me! I won’t have it! So, after four showers that day I decided to get into a different swing of things.

I was going to narrow down my opening of the washer lid during the wash cycle from 16 to 10 to 4 to 2. Lo and behold, it took only a couple of years and that one incident at the Laundromat with the front load washer--------eeeeeeek-------banned from that Laundromat! Just kidding…but I did all but quit…

Experts say o.c.d. is not really a problem unless it affects those around you. Drugs are prescribed in the most severe of cases and if I liked doctors or drugs would probably be a good candidate. What is my compulsion you may ask? Sorry, not telling until you tell me yours! hahahahahahahahahahah!!! You moron!!!

The easiest way to find out what your obsessive/compulsive trait is to go to the person you love and trust the most, and is also honest to a fault and ask them point blank.

This is how you do it: Say, “Honey, I know that you know that I know you love me beyond words and unconditionally, right?” They may say lovingly while smiling and nodding a lot, “Yeah, yeah, yeah--what is it?” This is where you find out if they’re a liar as you gently point out, “There are some eentsy-beentsy little things about you that bug the crappe out of me and while I’m as near to perfect as one can be, is there any minoot thing about me that drives you over the edge?”

When you tell them they have a week or so to think it over and they answer immediately, “Why no babe, you’re as perfect as you’ll ever be!” LIAR!!!

Before I go, let me say, there is something very liberating about wearing your underwear OUTSIDE your clothing!